A while ago, I took my son to Canadian Tire and bought him a balloon.
It was a long day and he was SO patient. So, as we passed the wall of tiny mylar balloons, I said, “Let’s get one!”
He chose T Rex. We went home. NBD.
Or so I thought.
Fast forward three months. We’re back in Canadian Tire for road salt. Super quick.
As we’re passing the balloons, he exclaims, “STOP! You forgot my balloon!”
I naively replied, “No balloon today, love. Sorry.”
Well. He lost his ever loving mind.
I pulled into an empty aisle and listened while he sobbed, “Mama, you ALWAYS get me a balloon here! Remember the T Rex one? That was HERE! I get a balloon here!”
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Have you ever accidentally helped your child form a pattern you hate and now you’re stuck?
You let them watch tv on a road trip and now they can’t be in the car without a show on.
You gave them a PB&J because they didn’t like roast beef and now you’re making a kids’ meal every night.
You let them sleep in your bed when they were sick and now you haven’t slept kid-free for six weeks.
(In case you’re wondering, yes, all these examples are from my own life.)
Kids form habits SO quickly.
And we feel stuck because:
- Technically, we did let them do it. It’s not fair to change our mind.
- We don’t think change is possible. When we try, they freak out!
Here’s the thing: We have to help our children change and learn new patterns. That’s literally our job.
And it is possible.
Yes, it is.
I know because I’ve lived through every single one of those examples.
Here’s what works for me:
Identify the pattern. Take responsibility.
When my son was in my bed all the time, I said to him: “You’re sleeping in Mama’s bed every night, huh? I let you do that when you were sick, because you needed help sleeping. But I made a mistake! I kept letting you do it even after you were healthy. I shouldn’t have done that.”
He’s learning that everyone makes mistakes, including me. And it’s okay to make mistakes, but we do have to make it right.
Explain the new pattern and what to expect.
For me, it went like this: “In our house, everybody sleeps in their own bed. Starting tonight, when you get in my bed, I’ll give you a cuddle for two minutes and then bring you back to your own bed.”
I used the phrase “Everybody sleeps in their own bed” because it’s short, clear, and I can repeat it often.
I explained what would happen. I reminded him as I was tucking him in. And again when he climbed into my bed at 2am.
Follow through.
Children don’t change because we talk. They change because we teach them a new pattern with our actions.
So, when he climbed in, I said: “Hi there! Remember, the new plan? We’re going to cuddle for two minutes, then I’ll bring you back to your bed. Come get your cuddle!”
No anger or frustration. No reprimand.
We cuddled. And then I carried him to bed and tucked him in.
That first night, we repeated that pattern three times.
The second night, we did it 18 times. Sometimes I didn’t even get back to my room before he ran back to me. I’m not gonna lie, it was rough.
A couple times, I lost my temper and yelled at him to stay in bed.
Not my best moment.
But, when that happened, I didn’t give in and let him sleep with me because I felt guilty. I know that it takes time to learn a new pattern. And this whole thing – so frustrating and overwhelming – was really normal.
So, I took some deep breaths, apologized for yelling, and then went back to the pattern.
The third night, we only did it twice. Probably because he was so tired from the night before.
Then, for about two weeks, we would do that once a night. And sometimes, before the two minutes were up, he would say, “Take me back to my bed now.”
And then it was done.
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I don’t know what pattern you’re stuck in with your child that you’re desperate to get out of.
But I do know that it is always possible to teach them something new.
We shy away from it because it’s hard. And we’re tired.
But we have to do it.
Yes, they will scream in protest. Yes, it will get worse before it gets better. That’s normal.
What it requires of us, as parents, is that we follow through.
That means doing exactly what you said you would do. Every. Single. Time.
At home, of course. But also in public, and at school. If you’re working on hitting and they wack you in the hallway, don’t ignore it. Follow through. Trust me, teachers – and other parents – will respect you for holding your boundary. We’re on your side.
Following through might take a few days. It might take a few weeks. Don’t give up! After all, it took months or years to form this pattern. It’s okay if it takes a while to change it.
If you give in, you’re reinforcing the unwanted pattern and making it much harder to change later. If you follow through, you’re changing the pattern AND teaching your children that you will be consistent.
They need that from you.
And you can do it.
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Dana Sproule is a Leadership Coach for professionals and parents. She helps parents learn new skills, and overcome challenges, so their whole family can thrive. She is also a mom of an almost 5-year-old who attends Nelephant.
Her new workshop “Mom is NOT a Doormat! Rules and Boundaries and How to Stop Giving In” is coming up on March 20th. This workshop helps parents understand why boundaries are so important in a child’s development and gives practical tips for following through.
You can find all the details and register right here: www.burningpoint.ca/parenting-workshops
