We all know this scenario:

Your sweet child steps onto the playground on a beautiful summer day and sees three other peers pretending to be pirates on the play structure. They ask the question that has us perking up our ears from the park bench. 

“Can I play too?” – they ask hopeful

“No.” – another child answers without even looking up from their make-believe helm.

Unspoken rule of the playground #1:

The answer to the question “can I play with you?” will be “no” 9 out of 10 times.

The question “can I play with you” when children are immersed in play often do not make it through their communication channels. It flies out the window along with “we’re leaving in 5 minutes”. It’s not personal- play just takes up too much of their brain. 

But there we are, left fidgeting in our seats, watching, waiting for our child’s reaction (a little angry at that 4 year old who just couldn’t be bothered to say yes). 

For some children, situations like this will bounce right off of them and they will skip along looking for something else to do.  

For those of us who have big feelers, cue the sulking, the moping and maybe even the tears. 

So where do we go from there? 

Whenever a child comes up to me complaining that “so-and-so said I couldn’t play”, I ask them to come sit with me for a bit and observe the playground. 

We’ll often sit in silence for a couple of minutes just watching all of the other children.

Sometimes before I can get to my teaching moment, they’ve noticed another game they would much rather join and have left without warning.

Sometimes though, they’ll stay long enough for me to start making commentary. 

“Oh, they are playing pirates…It looks like Mary is searching for a map”

They typically respond with something about how they want to join too.  

And that’s my cue.

“What would you like to be doing if you were playing with them?”

I’m looking for them to tell me all of the wonderful ideas they have in their heads. 

Maybe they want to be the fish or the mermaid or they know what the buried treasure could be. 

I want them to know they are capable of adding to that play. 

Sometimes, but not many times, children will need a bit of guidance on how they can add to other children’s play without disrupting its natural flow. 

More often than not this conversation ends with me saying “Okay, how about you try that?”

It ends either because they went off and tried, not by asking, but by inserting themselves in that play. 

Or because they were sick of sitting and watching the playground with an adult who did not intervene and demand so-and-so let them play.

Is it a fail-proof method? 

No. Of course not. Nothing with children is. 

But there is reasoning behind this.

Because if we solve their problems, stomp in and make everyone play together, they have learned nothing. 

They haven’t learned to be problem solvers. 

They haven’t learned to be critical thinkers.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from challenging situations.

How can they develop that if we are constantly removing them from age-appropriate challenging situations? 

By solving conflict for them, they are robbed of the opportunity to develop resilience.

There is also a hidden message that comes from the rule “we all must play together at all times.”

Indirectly, we are telling them that they must play together even if the other child is not kind.

Even if the other child is not gentle.

Even if they do not feel safe in doing so.

And in trying to shield them from the pain, we do not hold space for them to build their own sense of judgment.

Teaching them to recognize how it feels to feel welcome in social circles and how certain friends bring out the best in them are life skills that will prove to be invaluable as they move away from early childhood.

So next time conflict arises on the playground, sit with their feelings but don’t solve them.

Children are highly adaptable and often just need a little help in finding their way. 

But if you do find yourself sitting on that park bench with a heavy heart, remember this-

Children don’t need a lot of friends, they need the right ones.

Bonus tip:

A child’s play changes as they grow. Understanding which stage your child is in may help understand what kind of conflicts may be arising. 

Parallel Play (18 months – 2.5 years)

As toddlers, children interact through parallel play and while they may be sitting happily near each other, they are not expected to be sharing materials or ideas. They develop an understanding of social interactions by simply watching others.

Associative Play (3 – 4 years old)

As they move into Casa age, associative play emerges. At this stage, they interact and exchange materials but often they have different ideas or goals within their games.  

Cooperative play (4.5 and up)

Cooperative play emerges in their second year of Casa. This is when children start working together towards a common goal. A lot of learning takes place in this stage as they begin to understand the perspective of others, how to work together as a team and how to compromise.