Maria Montessori says that in the first plane of development (from 0-6 years old) is when children develop biological independence. Progressively, the little baby who was entirely dependent on you for nutrition, language, movement and regulation, begins to find their hands, voice, legs, and sense of self. They learn to do this because you, the parents, were their first teachers. You gave them roots.
School is often the first place children are expected to learn how to navigate this world with their primary caregivers further than just a couple steps away. This leap of independence is not an easy one. Watching your child cry and having to pass them over to another adult instead of comforting them yourself feels counter intuitive at best. However, when parents and teachers work together, we don’t take away those roots, we help them find their wings too.
We teachers know that there is no one size fits all when it comes to responding to children’s individual needs but we do like to think we have come up with a strong set of tips and tricks that work more often than not in making drop off easier.
Tips & tricks for navigating school drop off:
- Tell them the plan
Tell them the story of how drop off will go (or as adults may know it, “the plan”).
You can make this playful: “Once upon a time, a little boy named Jason woke up, took off his fire truck pjs and began to get ready…” or simple and to the point: “We’re going to get dressed, have breakfast, drive to school and once we get there…” They may ask you to repeat this once, twice or three thousand times. This is because knowing what to expect often lowers anxiety and each time you retell them the order of events, they begin to understand the pattern and predictability of their day. - Set boundaries
Children are masters at buying themselves a little extra time. Whether it be by asking for one more book before bed, or by asking for 2 more minutes at the playground. This does not occur because they are manipulative evil baby geniuses but rather because children are natural scientists who test boundaries to understand where limits lie. When we hold that boundary and follow exactly what we said we would do, children get the message that our words are meaningful and true. They feel safe. Safe in where they are being dropped off and safe in knowing you will return like you said you would. Resistance is expected followed by a few tears when you say no to another hug and kiss but saying no is like saying “I love you enough to stop you here”. - Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
It can feel very tempting to use little white lies to get children to stop crying. Telling your child you will stay outside in your car, wait in the office the whole time, or that it’ll just be for five minutes may seem like a great idea once you see the tears stop and you are able to leave but once that child realizes that your words were untrue, and they often do, the feeling of being abandoned pours in. When they lose trust in your words, it becomes harder for teachers to comfort and assure them that school is in fact a safe place and that parents will return. - The plan
At Nelephant, we’ve found that the most successful school drop offs come often from children who walk from the car to the door independently, holding their own school bags followed by a brief goodbye to their grown up. The reasoning behind this is because having them walk to the door rather than be carried eases the transition to separate when they walk in, having them carry their own bags prepares them to do things for themselves throughout the school day and a brief goodbye, assures them their parents trust their teachers and that school is a safe space to be. Long-drawn out goodbyes sometimes send the message that their parents are worried and in turn, they should be worried too. - Trust that the teachers will provide comfort
Trust that when you leave, your child is in the hands of experienced, empathetic, loving teachers who have spent years supporting children through these challenges. Rest assured that when we give a teacher the chance to comfort an upset child, we are giving them a chance to prove to that child that they can feel secure and loved here at school and we all know that when a child feels loved by their teacher, they learn better!
So if drop offs feel really hard right now, as they often do after spending time home with our loved ones over a break, we hope that some of these tips and tricks will help with this transition back to school. If it has already been working really well, let’s save these for a rainy day. Children are constantly developing and some bumps along the road are a normal part of that process.
